Simply Simpsons Quotes
This is gonna be another long-running, slow-going thread, but one that I’ve been meaning to start for a long time. So with The Simpsons on twice a day, quite often I notice particular lines that are just cash money. Of course I always mean to start jotting them down but never get around to it. The time has come, & the list begins here & now. All you Simpsons lovers, join in as you wish. This is potentially a never-ending thread, since there are just so many good ones…
A few to get the ball rolling…
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I guess I can be forgiven for posting a huge list on this one. This list was actually a casualty of the great Pairan family computer crash of aught 3 (or whenever it was), so I’m probably missing some good ones. So post liberally, so I can use yours to rebuild my list.
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Sweet. Thanks Scott. The Muppets quote & the Policy Academy bit are classic.
While I’m not a huge Simpson’s fan, I do love pretty much anything ever uttered by Ralph Wiggum.
this is by memory
Lisa: Is there anything hear that doesn;t have meat in ti?
Lunch Lady: Possibly the meat loaf.
The family at Itchy & Scratchy Theme Park:
Homer to the ticket lady: What’s Itchy & Scratchy money?
Ticket lady: Its just theme park money…but its fun.
Homer: Well, if its fun, I’ll take $1100 worth…Woohoo!
Great Marge quote today:
Homer’s explaining sexual harrassment to the kids:
Jimbo: You kissed a girl? That is SO gay!
Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else — and it hasn’t — it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.
Springfield settler, after seeing a buffalo: It’s some sort of land cow!
Chief Wiggum: Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They’re both very pretty.
Lisa: No I can’t! I can’t eat any of them!
Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you
saying you’re *never* going to eat any animal again? What about
bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal
Homer: Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
They played the Vignettes ep recently. That’s by far one of the best ever. Pretty much that entire script could be posted here. Some highlights:
Steamed hams, goodbye student loans, you need booze, Apu’s 5 min vacation, McDonald’s shakes, one of the best Cletus bits, Hamburglar Adventure, tall guy in a little automobile.
Homer and Bart continue their walk through the airport. They pass some religious people.
Christian: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Homer: [Sarcastic] Right, that’ll work.
From one of today’s eps:
I just love this portrayal of the sappy, manipulative “news” story…especially the “years young” quote.
Bart (doing a story for the Kidz Newz network): Joe Banks. Eighty-two years young. Has come to this pond every day for the past seventeen years to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery. The ducks…were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say, Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there [camera moves to another nearby pond] near those ducks. But it could be that there’s just no room in this modern world for an old man…and his ducks.
Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He’s edgy, he’s “in your face.” You’ve heard the expression “let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets “biz-zay!” Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he’s proactive, huh?
Lady: Oh, God, yes. We’re talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Meyer: Excuse me, but “proactive” and “paradigm”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? [backpedaling] Not that I’m accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I’m fired, aren’t I?
Myers: Oh, yes.
Japanese “Chandler”: Could I be more Japanese?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers…are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”
Burns (asking audience): Are you saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying “Boo-urns”…
Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe in, but you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately…
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade. [Holds up newspaper with headline saying "Local gays show pride" and a huge closeup photo of Bart]
Lisa: Dad, remember how you said going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got — fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book…everybody’s a sinner! [points to a verse] Except for this guy.
Bart: But now Itchy and Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in half! Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? Take it, Lis.
Lisa: Can we?
Homer: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ask your mother.
This won’t be remotely funny if you haven’t seen it, but if you have, oooooh man…
[The Simpsons are living in the "1895 house" on a reality show. Bart is being interviewed.]
Bart: This has been the worst week of my life. I miss my toys and my video games. Mutt and Jeff are NOT funny! (holds up comic strip) They’re gay, I get it!
Professor Frink: Let the commencement beginulate!
(Troy McClure and Homer are drunk and shooting the crap at Moe’s)
Troy: Yeah, that’s a good idea, Homer, but they’ve already made some movies about World War II.
Homer: Awwww, hell… Well, what about Dracula?
(Otto are Homer are high and staring at their hands)
Otto: They call ‘em fingers, but you never see ‘em fing. Oh, there they go.
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There’s a dog in the vent.
Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
HOMER: We’ve gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.
They showed the Playdude ep tonight. It gets run a lot, but man, that’s a pretty solid one. Among other quotes:
MILHOUSE: Let the blossoming of Milhouse begin!
WIGGUM: Listen here, Simpson. Your son has been exposing our kids to adult themes, unabashed dictionaries, and the lesser short fiction of John Cheever…
Ralphie wants to go on the pill!
FLANDERS: …I wouldn’t have a Hindu’s chance in heaven.
AUNTIE OVEN-FRESH 1954: Ribbons and trophies are no comfort on your death bed.
STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN CHEF: Oh, I’m-a-so sorry. It was-a-done with-a… how you say, um… done with-a-malice-a-forethought. Yes?
BART: (praying) God, please give your daughter, The Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash, and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till. Amen.
I’m generally of the opinion that nobody can do anything good enough for anybody, but these folks did a pretty good jorb here…
Props for doing War of the Worlds in this year’s Treehouse of Horror. Could’ve done w/o the commentary at the end though… Good to see The Brain in that segment too…
one of my fav Marge quotes (although she doesn’t have that many…)
Carl: What part of “beat it” didn’t you understand?
Skinner: Mmmm … I guess that would be the “it.” I’m not sure to what that refers…
HOMER: Are you an angel?
MOE: Yes, Homer, I’m an angel. All us angels wear fairer slacks.
Wow, that was a long, strange internets journey, but quite worth it. I didn’t know what “fairer” could have meant, and apparently it was just one of those things that when I heard it in the episode, I was content to let it go over my head. So, on snpp.com, it says:
“Homer: [slurred] Are you an angel? Moe: Yes, Homer. I’m an angel. All us angels wear farah slacks.” That led to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farah. A Google search seems to indicate that Levi’s now makes said “action slacks” and also brings up this band, http://www.slacksaction.com/, which of course must go on the “great band names” thread. I’d love to think that one Steve Trumps was a fan of these trousers.
Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
From last night’s ep:
I thought I shared this before, but I guess I didn’t… Here’s an anime version of the Simpsons done by spacecoyote:
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? …I doooooooooo.
Jimbo’s delivery in this is sweet, i wiould say it a lot more if people would understand the referenced.
One of my favorite exchanges:
James Woods: Okay, you’re you, and I’m me.
Jimbo: I’m me?
James: Hey! Don’t jerk me around, fella.
Wow – I don’t visit this thread very often, but the anime drawing was a sweet find. Went to the site – they have a decent one for Futurama there as well.
It has Fry with his dog – that made me get a little misty.
The episode where Homer buys a gun has to be one of the best episodes ever…
The soccer match
The gun shop salesman
The NRA meeting
What if I robbed the Quik-E-Mart?
You said there’d be fudgicles
…like God must feel when He’s holding a gun
Wasn’t sure where else to put this:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/02/7.eleven.kwik.e.mart.ap/index.html
I did post this a few comments up a few months ago, but here are a lot of pictures of the stores (links on the side contain more).
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/08/top10simpsons200708?currentPage=1
best episode is
the one with frank grimes, it was mentioned in the article chris postd.
not on the list was the one where homer is the union rep and he gets a dental plan.
and
the one where marge takes on itchy and scratchy, they make the cartoon with the squirrel saying “don;t do that” then itchy or scratchy knockes the squirrels head off with a baseball bat. and homer says, “take that you stupid squirrel.”
I don’t know who decides which Simpsons episodes FOX plays in syndication — I don’t wanna give too much credit to our local boys — but I frequently see commonalities in the eps they show. I can’t think of any more examples right now, but it happens all the time. For example, I’m rooting through the DVR, watching recent Simpsons eps, and both eps I’ve watched so far have mentioned “ambrosia.” I’d assume it was a coincidence, but this kind of thing happens all the time. They’ll show eps from various seasons and there will be some bizarre connection. Has anyone else noticed this? I dunno, if I’m not going crazy, post any of these you notice…
McBain The Movie
Simpsons movie references.
Whenever I hear someone trying to come up with the PC term du jour for “disabled”, I think of the clerk in this sequence. Great read by the actor (Hank Azaria?).
Homer: I’d like a monkey, please! And…maybe one of those dogs, what do they do?
Clerk: Uh, they serve as seeing-eyes for the blind, sir.
Homer: Do they do any other tricks?
Clerk: No.
Homer: Just the monkey, then.
Clerk: Eh, may I inquire as to how you are…differently abled?
Homer: Oh, I’m not handicapped! I’m just lazy!
%The man tells Homer he can only get one if he’s physically challenged.
%Later, Homer leads Abe and a new helper monkey out of the store.
Abe: Oh, son! This monkey’s gonna change my life!
Homer: Mind if I take him for a ride?
Abe: Sure, I’ll just stand here! [Homer speeds off.] Mmm, I can’t wait to eat that monkey!
Whenever I read about Mike Coleman trying to shed Columbus’ cowtown image, all I can think of is:
Lenny : You’re only calling us a cow college ’cause we were founded by a cow.
That monkey episode is one of my favorites. I love when he’s intoxicated and laying on the porch with the talking computer and it says “Pray for Mojo”.
http://filmonic.com/who-would-you-cast-in-a-live-action-simpsons-movie
Flanders: Hey Homer, I need to ask you a favor. My babysitter canceled and I’ve got tickets to a Christian rock concert. [holds up two tickets to "Chris Rock in Concert"] It’s going to be one wholesome evening.
…
Homer: How was the concert?
Flanders: Well sir, I never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times.
Marge: Bart, I’d like you to read this copy of “Johnny Tremaine”. It’s a book I read as a girl.
Bart: A book!? Pfffft.
Marge: I think you might like this. It’s about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident.
Bart: Deformed? Why didn’t you say so? They should call this book “Johnny Deformed”.
and later…
Totally…I watched that ep yesterday too and marveled. That was a classic era. They put so much thought into Homer’s weight-loss/vocabulary-building story…and it was just the subplot!
Portraying men as doofuses is such a tricky thing because it’s such a fine line between something as amazing as Homer on the Simpsons or Peter on Family Guy, and some of these stupid commercials like the one where the guy lies to his girlfriend to go drink beer with his buddy by saying, “So and so needs to vent” (vented cans, get it?!) I think the difference is the latter takes this almost patronizing look at men, like they’re stupid and women are the real rulers of domestic life, so we’ll just poke a little fun at them. Whereas the former are way over the top when Homer can’ t think of the word spoon (so you know it’s not supposed to be real…no one is as stupid as that) but then Homer is also portrayed as a real person who loves his family.
Hello. I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer, is “no”.
Milhouse to Bart after Bart walked in on his parents having sex.
Milhouse: “Trust me Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than just one of them.”
Martin Prince: “Individually we are weak like a single twig, but as a bundle we form a mighty faggot.”
In honor of Columbus’ recent PrideFesht:
Marchers: We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: You do this every year! We are used to it.
Marcher: Spoilsport!
i think this is how it goes
Moe: I ain’t never said no to a dead girl yet.
In an episode played recently on the FOx station, there was a scene where Homer and Abe were being chased by a bunch of “hillbillies” and in the background was “Foggy mountain breakdown” one of the most famous banjo songs ever. Anyway when ABe turned off the radio the chase stopped. It was quite funny.although i probably totally ruined it.
Geriatric Profanity Disorder (or GPD)
Interactive map of Springfield
Classic. Incidently, I have a relative named Missouri Berry (pronounched Ma-zurah).
In honor of the recently deceased Mr. Newman. A very cerebral joke that I only recently have started to appreciate.
[Cut to a farmer tending his corn. The gas release blows away part of the crop.]
Farmer: Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman’s gonna have my legs broke.
Marge: So, did you call any of your friends?
Lisa: Friend? [scoffs] These are my only friends. [holds up a book] Grownup nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
Live-action Simpsons intro
On this Sunday’s Simpsons, Lisa enters a crossword competition and before it starts they pay tribute to the words that were removed from the dictionary in the past year:
SKEDADDLE
NIXONIAN
ZOUNDS
MIMEOGRAPH
HOOTENANNY
ROYCE LUMKIN: (upon hearing news of his estranged daughter) Oh… man… I better whiskey up these corn flakes…
Babcock (race track manager): Folks, I’ve got some spare tickets if you’d like to stick around for the race.
Lisa: That’s very sweet but we have a full day of hiking planned.
Homer: We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
Hmm… not sure if this new Simpsons intro is supposed to permanently replace the old intro (minus the couch gag, of course) or if it’s just for tonight’s HD premiere. I was worried when I read they’d redone the intro, but I think they did a good job.
For some reason “Gunner” strikes me as the perfect name for this.
For some reason this struck me as hilarious the other day: the familiy is going to a book fair and the Rev. Lovejoy is selling a cookbook called “Someone’s in the Kitchen with Jesus”. I think mainly I enjoy Shearer’s pronunciation of “Jesus”. Very “z” heavy.
Oh I agree. That part always gets me. I just watched that one last night and was chuckling rather hard to myself.
I just watched this week’s episode (Four Great Women and a Manicure (#LABF09 / SI-2009)) and was ticked that Maggie pulled out her pacifier and gave a short speech. Is nothing sacred?
I remembered Maggie once speaking like Kang. Apparently, she has spoken before. Nothing be sacred.
Any Given Sundance
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Principal Skinner: (to Lisa) Seymour Skinner never puts all his eggs in one basket. That’s why they call me “Two Basket Skinner.”
“English side ruined, must use French instructions. Le Grille, what the hell is that!?”
Flaming Moe song like the song from cheers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvSzKKARw20
Homer: He’s nailing something to our door!
Lisa: Hmm. I wonder if it’s theses.
Homer: That’s gross.
Monty Burns for Mayor of New York City
In the voice of Hank Hill: ”Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.”
Whenever I hear “You and Me” by Lifehouse or another horrible song, I think of this quote:
At the Jazz Hole, Lisa enjoys the performance of an electric violinist.
Guy: Hmph, sounds like she’s hitting a baby with a cat.
Lisa: You have to listen to the notes she’s not playing.
Guy: Pssh, I can do that at home.
How embarrassing for Bart…
“Johnny Fiestas” is a great name for a Mexican restaurant.
A good one for election day…
JImbo to Bart after bart sells his soul,
“Way to breathe, no breath”
Marge: Look, I knew private school would be expensive, but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort.
Headmaster: Sorry. I don’t have anything to offer you unless you’re a member of a minority group.
Homer: Excellente! Muchos gracias señorata!
Headmaster: Sorry.
Homer: Aah-so…
Good call. Another good one in that vein:
Lovejoy bases his sermon on Homer’s alien encounter: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. He came in peace, and then died, only to come back to life. And his name was… E.T., the extraterrestrial. [sniffs] I love that little guy.
Homer gets kicked out of Moe’s and is looking for a new bar. He tries one called the “She-She Lounge”:
Homer: Wait a minute…there’s something bothering me about this place. [looks around] I know! This ‘lespian’ bar doesn’t have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, ladies. [leaves]
Woman: What was her problem?
Cecil: “Because you’ll be supervising the construction crew.”
Sideshow Bob: “Oh, great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it’ll be my job to lead the hooting. ‘Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam!
Capital knockers!’”
PS Capital Knockers would be a good team name
Yes, Capital Knockers would be a great team name.
Yet again, life mimics the Simpsons (when Herb invents the baby translator): The Cry Translator iPhone app
That iPhone app actually came up in our clinical methods class discussion last night… weird. We were talking about how a lot of parents don’t understand their own kids…
At Springfield Elementary School sometime in the future, Principal Skinner walks down the hall and looks into Miss Hoover’s classroom, where children sit in front of a TV screen.
Troy: [on TV] Now turn to the next problem. If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You, the redhead in the Chicago school system? [a window opens up on the screen to show the girl]
Girl: Pepsi?
Troy: Partial credit!
whomever does the voice of Willie is apparently stuck in iceland and he hates it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34mHZgP9vkc
clown college
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0edCAOkdXgU
Oh man, you’re kidding. They left out the best part: where Marge is talking and all he hears is her singing the circus song.
Heh, but on the other hand, here you get to hear a different — more German — version of that performance.
Or, as the commenter puts it:
you piece of s__!!!
you left out the part where marge goes doo doo dooo dooo dooo dood oo … LOLOLOLOL XD
A couple that have been rolling around in the old noggin’ (Larry King’s) recently:
Moe: He’s gone mad with power. Like that Albert Schweitzer guy.
Lovejoy: Everyone’s saying “Gabbo” this and “Gabbo” that. But no one is saying “worship” this and “Jericho” that.
TV announcer: It’s eleven o’clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no!
homers picture a day video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UItNVuBI9UI&feature=related