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Simply Simpsons Quotes

This is gonna be another long-running, slow-going thread, but one that I’ve been meaning to start for a long time. So with The Simpsons on twice a day, quite often I notice particular lines that are just cash money. Of course I always mean to start jotting them down but never get around to it. The time has come, & the list begins here & now. All you Simpsons lovers, join in as you wish. This is potentially a never-ending thread, since there are just so many good ones…

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144 Responses to “Simply Simpsons Quotes”


  1. A few to get the ball rolling…

    Bart: I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap.

    ——

    Lisa: Yeah, well you’re gay for Mole Man!
    Bart: No I’m not!!
    Mole Man: (sadly) No one’s gay for Mole Man…

    ——

    (At Bart’s sidewalk stand where he’s selling t-shirts)
    Moe: Yeah, do ya got a shirt with Calvin peein’ on Hobbes?
    Bart: No.
    Moe: Well what *do* you have him peein’ on?


  2. I guess I can be forgiven for posting a huge list on this one. This list was actually a casualty of the great Pairan family computer crash of aught 3 (or whenever it was), so I’m probably missing some good ones. So post liberally, so I can use yours to rebuild my list.

    Homer (In fake voice): Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
    Postal clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns. What’s your first name?
    Homer: I…don’t…know…

    ——

    Robbie the automaton: Greetings, earth children.
    Student: Where are you from?
    Robbie: (pause) …Earth.

    ——

    Lisa: I usually hang out in front.
    Erin: You like to hang out too?
    Lisa: Well, it beats doing stuff.
    Erin: Yeah. Stuff sucks.

    ——

    Marge: You know, Homer, it’s easy to criticize people.
    Homer: Fun, too.

    ——

    Lisa: Dad, what’s a muppet?
    Homer: Well, it’s not a mop and it’s not a puppet, but ma….aaa…aannnn …..(laughing). So to answer your question, I don’t know.

    ——

    Homer: It’s not just a store, it’s a megastore. “Mega” means “good” and “store” means “thing.”

    ——

    Lisa: Dad, did you know that the Chinese use the same word for “crisis” as they do for “opportunity”?
    Homer: Yes. “Crisitunity.”

    ——

    Ralph (to Lisa): So…Do you…like…stuff?

    ——

    Homer: Everybody’s stupid but me.

    ——

    Lovejoy: And now, to deliver a sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness, the Noid…
    Lisa: (exasperated) That’s it!
    Homer: (under breath) Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you.

    ——

    Marge: I’m a lucky woman.
    Homer: And I’m a wonderful man.

    ——

    Skinner: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capitol City’s nakedest ladies. They’re not even wearing a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six, count ‘em, six, gorgeous ladies just dying…for your leers and catcalls. Yowsa, yowsa.

    ——

    Ya Hoo! guy #1: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
    Ya Hoo! guy #2: You bitter?
    Ya Hoo! guy #1: Yeah, bit him too!

    ——

    Homer (yelling at Bart): Stealing?! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing. Did you? … Where was I? Oh, yeah. Stay out of my booze!

    ——

    Homer: OK, boy, I wrote down exactly what to say. Just read it and you’re a shoo-in!
    Bart: [walks onstage, squints at cue cards] Hello, Mr. …Kurns. I bad want…money now. Me sick.
    Homer: Ooh, he card-reads good.
    Bart: So pick please me, Mr. Burns.
    Homer: [calling from offstage] It’s “Kurns”, stupid!
    Marge: No it’s not!
    Homer: Disregard.

    ——

    Marge: Homey, I really don’t think this Navy thing is a good idea. What if you get called into combat?
    Homer: Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light! [To illustrate, Homer claps his hands together twice and looks at the lamp. Having no luck, he continues clapping.]
    Marge: We don’t have a clapper.
    Homer: Sorry, I can’t hear you Marge, I’m clapping.

    ——

    (Lisa is playing her saxophone)
    Homer: Lisa! Knock off that racket!
    Lisa: But Dad, I’m supposed to practice an hour a day!
    Homer: I’ll practice you!
    Lisa: You’ll practice me…what does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of a threat?

    ——

    Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
    Moe: [bored] Yeah.
    Homer: See, I got this friend named…Joey Jo-Jo…Junior…Shabadoo –
    Moe: That’s the worst name I ever heard.
    [A man leaves, weeping]
    Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

    ——

    Beekeeper 1: Well, sure is quiet in here today.
    Beekeeper 2: Yes, a little too quiet, if you know what I mean.
    Beekeeper 1: Hmm…I’m afraid I don’t.
    Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. NO NOISE…suggests no bees.
    Beekeeper 2: Oh, I understand now. Oh look, there goes one now.
    Beekeeper 1: To the Beemobile!
    Beekeeper 2: You mean your Chevy?
    Beekeeper 1: Yes.

    ——

    Comedian: Yo, check this out: black guys drive a car like this. (leans back, as though his elbow were on the windowsill). Do, do, ch. Do-be-do, do-be-do-be-do. Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this. (hunches forward, talks nasally). Dee-da-dee, a-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee. (audience howls with laughter).
    Homer: Ah ha ha, it’s true, it’s true! We’re so lame!

    ——

    Homer: Number one? What kind of stupid wiener name is that? (in effeminate voice) “Helloooo…my name is number one….” …And so forth.

    ——

    Ralph: (After walking into adult section of store) Everybody’s hugging!

    ——

    Marge: Are you actually giving up your faith?
    Homer: [backpedaling] No! No-no-no-no-no no! [pause] Well, yes.

    ——

    Lovejoy: Once the government approves something, it’s no longer immoral.

    ——

    Chief Justice (to Lisa): In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don’t worry, it’s just a name.
    Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

    ——

    Woman in Jerry Springer audience: If you’re that baby’s daddy, where you been at?

    ——

    Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

    ——

    NASA official: In a way, you’re both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner.

    ——

    Kang: Abortions for all [crowd boos]. Very well, no abortions for anyone [crowd boos]. Hmm…Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others [crowd cheers and waves miniature flag].


  3. Sweet. Thanks Scott. The Muppets quote & the Policy Academy bit are classic.


  4. While I’m not a huge Simpson’s fan, I do love pretty much anything ever uttered by Ralph Wiggum.

    Ralph: I ate the blue ones … they taste like burning.

    Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

    Ralph: That’s my swingset, and that’s my sandbox. I’m not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
    Bart: Right, the leprechaun.
    Ralph: He told me to burn things.

    Ralph (To a wolf): Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies…


  5. this is by memory

    Lisa: Is there anything hear that doesn;t have meat in ti?
    Lunch Lady: Possibly the meat loaf.


  6. The family at Itchy & Scratchy Theme Park:

    Homer to the ticket lady: What’s Itchy & Scratchy money?

    Ticket lady: Its just theme park money…but its fun.

    Homer: Well, if its fun, I’ll take $1100 worth…Woohoo!


  7. Great Marge quote today:

    I know, how about we play the basketball? I’m no Harvey Globetrotter, but…


  8. Homer’s explaining sexual harrassment to the kids:

    Homer: (telling story) …but it turns out that was sexual harrassment.
    Bart: And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, dad?
    Homer: Well, that’s kind of a gray area…


  9. Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.


  10. Jimbo: You kissed a girl? That is SO gay!


  11. (To squeaky-voiced teen — apparently in the air force in this ep — who is directing traffic as people drive in for the air show)
    Bart: Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun.


  12. Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else — and it hasn’t — it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.


  13. Springfield settler, after seeing a buffalo: It’s some sort of land cow!


  14. Chief Wiggum: Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They’re both very pretty.


  15. Lisa: No I can’t! I can’t eat any of them!
    Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you
    saying you’re *never* going to eat any animal again? What about
    bacon?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Ham?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Pork chops?
    Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal
    Homer: Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


  16. They played the Vignettes ep recently. That’s by far one of the best ever. Pretty much that entire script could be posted here. Some highlights:

    Steamed hams, goodbye student loans, you need booze, Apu’s 5 min vacation, McDonald’s shakes, one of the best Cletus bits, Hamburglar Adventure, tall guy in a little automobile.


  17. Homer and Bart continue their walk through the airport. They pass some religious people.
    Christian: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
    Homer: [Sarcastic] Right, that’ll work.


  18. From one of today’s eps:

    KRUSTY: Hey-hey, kids. Let’s hear it for Madame Mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles!


  19. I just love this portrayal of the sappy, manipulative “news” story…especially the “years young” quote.

    Bart (doing a story for the Kidz Newz network): Joe Banks. Eighty-two years young. Has come to this pond every day for the past seventeen years to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery. The ducks…were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say, Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there [camera moves to another nearby pond] near those ducks. But it could be that there’s just no room in this modern world for an old man…and his ducks.


  20. Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He’s edgy, he’s “in your face.” You’ve heard the expression “let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets “biz-zay!” Consistently and thoroughly.
    Krusty: So he’s proactive, huh?
    Lady: Oh, God, yes. We’re talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
    Meyer: Excuse me, but “proactive” and “paradigm”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? [backpedaling] Not that I’m accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I’m fired, aren’t I?
    Myers: Oh, yes.


  21. Japanese “Chandler”: Could I be more Japanese?


  22. Audience: Boo! Boo!
    Burns: Smithers…are they booing me?
    Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”
    Burns (asking audience): Are you saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”?
    Audience: Boo! Boo!
    Hans: I was saying “Boo-urns”…


  23. Marge: Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe in, but you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately…
    Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade. [Holds up newspaper with headline saying "Local gays show pride" and a huge closeup photo of Bart]


  24. Lisa: Dad, remember how you said going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive?
    Homer: Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got — fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book…everybody’s a sinner! [points to a verse] Except for this guy.
    Bart: But now Itchy and Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in half! Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? Take it, Lis.
    Lisa: Can we?
    Homer: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ask your mother.


  25. BURNS: (To Simpson family) Well, well, if it isn’t my favorite employee. *And* his spouse. Heh, heh. And these must be children… (Then to Bart & Lisa) Here, have a ginger root.


  26. This won’t be remotely funny if you haven’t seen it, but if you have, oooooh man…

    WIGGIM: (Speaking to vision of Don Knotts in the TV) Barney Fife!
    FIFE: Y-E-S spells “you got it, buster!”


  27. [The Simpsons are living in the "1895 house" on a reality show. Bart is being interviewed.]

    Bart: This has been the worst week of my life. I miss my toys and my video games. Mutt and Jeff are NOT funny! (holds up comic strip) They’re gay, I get it!


  28. Professor Frink: Let the commencement beginulate!


  29. (Troy McClure and Homer are drunk and shooting the crap at Moe’s)

    Troy: Yeah, that’s a good idea, Homer, but they’ve already made some movies about World War II.
    Homer: Awwww, hell… Well, what about Dracula?

    (Otto are Homer are high and staring at their hands)

    Otto: They call ‘em fingers, but you never see ‘em fing. Oh, there they go.


  30. Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There’s a dog in the vent.
    Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
    Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.


  31. HOMER: We’ve gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.


  32. They showed the Playdude ep tonight. It gets run a lot, but man, that’s a pretty solid one. Among other quotes:

    MILHOUSE: Let the blossoming of Milhouse begin!

    WIGGUM: Listen here, Simpson. Your son has been exposing our kids to adult themes, unabashed dictionaries, and the lesser short fiction of John Cheever…
    Ralphie wants to go on the pill!

    FLANDERS: …I wouldn’t have a Hindu’s chance in heaven.

    AUNTIE OVEN-FRESH 1954: Ribbons and trophies are no comfort on your death bed.

    STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN CHEF: Oh, I’m-a-so sorry. It was-a-done with-a… how you say, um… done with-a-malice-a-forethought. Yes?


  33. BART: (praying) God, please give your daughter, The Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash, and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till. Amen.


  34. I’m generally of the opinion that nobody can do anything good enough for anybody, but these folks did a pretty good jorb here


  35. Props for doing War of the Worlds in this year’s Treehouse of Horror. Could’ve done w/o the commentary at the end though… Good to see The Brain in that segment too…


  36. one of my fav Marge quotes (although she doesn’t have that many…)

    MARGE: Voilà, which is French for ta-da!


  37. Carl: What part of “beat it” didn’t you understand?
    Skinner: Mmmm … I guess that would be the “it.” I’m not sure to what that refers…


  38. HOMER: Are you an angel?
    MOE: Yes, Homer, I’m an angel. All us angels wear fairer slacks.


  39. Wow, that was a long, strange internets journey, but quite worth it. I didn’t know what “fairer” could have meant, and apparently it was just one of those things that when I heard it in the episode, I was content to let it go over my head. So, on snpp.com, it says:
    “Homer: [slurred] Are you an angel? Moe: Yes, Homer. I’m an angel. All us angels wear farah slacks.” That led to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farah. A Google search seems to indicate that Levi’s now makes said “action slacks” and also brings up this band, http://www.slacksaction.com/, which of course must go on the “great band names” thread. I’d love to think that one Steve Trumps was a fan of these trousers.


  40. Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.


  41. From last night’s ep:

    HOMER: Don’t those two gargoyles know that love is for good looking young people?
    MOE: Well gee, uh, Homer, you ain’t exactly open casket material yourself.


  42. I thought I shared this before, but I guess I didn’t… Here’s an anime version of the Simpsons done by spacecoyote:


    (click for larger version)


    (original)



  43. Jimbo’s delivery in this is sweet, i wiould say it a lot more if people would understand the referenced.

    One of my favorite exchanges:

    James Woods: Okay, you’re you, and I’m me.
    Jimbo: I’m me?
    James: Hey! Don’t jerk me around, fella.


  44. Wow – I don’t visit this thread very often, but the anime drawing was a sweet find. Went to the site – they have a decent one for Futurama there as well.

    It has Fry with his dog – that made me get a little misty.


  45. The episode where Homer buys a gun has to be one of the best episodes ever…

    The soccer match
    The gun shop salesman
    The NRA meeting
    What if I robbed the Quik-E-Mart?
    You said there’d be fudgicles
    …like God must feel when He’s holding a gun



  46. I did post this a few comments up a few months ago, but here are a lot of pictures of the stores (links on the side contain more).



  47. best episode is
    the one with frank grimes, it was mentioned in the article chris postd.

    not on the list was the one where homer is the union rep and he gets a dental plan.
    and
    the one where marge takes on itchy and scratchy, they make the cartoon with the squirrel saying “don;t do that” then itchy or scratchy knockes the squirrels head off with a baseball bat. and homer says, “take that you stupid squirrel.”


  48. I don’t know who decides which Simpsons episodes FOX plays in syndication — I don’t wanna give too much credit to our local boys — but I frequently see commonalities in the eps they show. I can’t think of any more examples right now, but it happens all the time. For example, I’m rooting through the DVR, watching recent Simpsons eps, and both eps I’ve watched so far have mentioned “ambrosia.” I’d assume it was a coincidence, but this kind of thing happens all the time. They’ll show eps from various seasons and there will be some bizarre connection. Has anyone else noticed this? I dunno, if I’m not going crazy, post any of these you notice…




  49. Whenever I hear someone trying to come up with the PC term du jour for “disabled”, I think of the clerk in this sequence. Great read by the actor (Hank Azaria?).

    Homer: I’d like a monkey, please! And…maybe one of those dogs, what do they do?
    Clerk: Uh, they serve as seeing-eyes for the blind, sir.
    Homer: Do they do any other tricks?
    Clerk: No.
    Homer: Just the monkey, then.
    Clerk: Eh, may I inquire as to how you are…differently abled?
    Homer: Oh, I’m not handicapped! I’m just lazy!
    %The man tells Homer he can only get one if he’s physically challenged.
    %Later, Homer leads Abe and a new helper monkey out of the store.
    Abe: Oh, son! This monkey’s gonna change my life!
    Homer: Mind if I take him for a ride?
    Abe: Sure, I’ll just stand here! [Homer speeds off.] Mmm, I can’t wait to eat that monkey!


  50. Whenever I read about Mike Coleman trying to shed Columbus’ cowtown image, all I can think of is:

    Lenny : You’re only calling us a cow college ’cause we were founded by a cow.


  51. That monkey episode is one of my favorites. I love when he’s intoxicated and laying on the porch with the talking computer and it says “Pray for Mojo”.




  52. Flanders: Hey Homer, I need to ask you a favor. My babysitter canceled and I’ve got tickets to a Christian rock concert. [holds up two tickets to "Chris Rock in Concert"] It’s going to be one wholesome evening.

    Homer: How was the concert?
    Flanders: Well sir, I never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times.


  53. HOMER: Don’t you worry about wikipedia. We’ll change it when we get home. We’ll change a lot of things…


  54. Marge: Bart, I’d like you to read this copy of “Johnny Tremaine”. It’s a book I read as a girl.
    Bart: A book!? Pfffft.
    Marge: I think you might like this. It’s about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident.
    Bart: Deformed? Why didn’t you say so? They should call this book “Johnny Deformed”.


  55. Marge (to Sideshow Bob): You awful man! Stay away from my son!
    Sideshow Bob: Oh, I’ll stay away from your son, alright. Stay away… FOREVER!
    Homer: Nooo!
    Bob (mumbles): Wait, that… that’s no good.
    Bob: Wait! I’ve got a good one now! Marge, say ‘Stay away from my son!’, again.
    Marge: NO!
    Bob: *grumbles*


  56. MOE: I’ve done stuff I ain’t proud of. And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.

    and later…

    MOE: I’m gonna steal God’s secrets and sell ‘em to Satan!


  57. HOMER: (to Lisa) Honey, animals don’t feel death. This was proved by the scientists at Black Angus.


  58. HOMER: Marge, where’s that metal dealy… you use to dig… food?
    MARGE: You mean a spoon?


  59. Totally…I watched that ep yesterday too and marveled. That was a classic era. They put so much thought into Homer’s weight-loss/vocabulary-building story…and it was just the subplot!
    Portraying men as doofuses is such a tricky thing because it’s such a fine line between something as amazing as Homer on the Simpsons or Peter on Family Guy, and some of these stupid commercials like the one where the guy lies to his girlfriend to go drink beer with his buddy by saying, “So and so needs to vent” (vented cans, get it?!) I think the difference is the latter takes this almost patronizing look at men, like they’re stupid and women are the real rulers of domestic life, so we’ll just poke a little fun at them. Whereas the former are way over the top when Homer can’ t think of the word spoon (so you know it’s not supposed to be real…no one is as stupid as that) but then Homer is also portrayed as a real person who loves his family.


  60. Hello. I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer, is “no”.


  61. Milhouse to Bart after Bart walked in on his parents having sex.

    Milhouse: “Trust me Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than just one of them.”

    Martin Prince: “Individually we are weak like a single twig, but as a bundle we form a mighty faggot.”


  62. In honor of Columbus’ recent PrideFesht:

    Marchers: We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!
    Lisa: You do this every year! We are used to it.
    Marcher: Spoilsport!


  63. HOMER: What’s an email?
    LENNY: It’s a computer thing. Like an electric letter.
    CARL: Or a quiet phone call.


  64. i think this is how it goes

    Moe: I ain’t never said no to a dead girl yet.


  65. In an episode played recently on the FOx station, there was a scene where Homer and Abe were being chased by a bunch of “hillbillies” and in the background was “Foggy mountain breakdown” one of the most famous banjo songs ever. Anyway when ABe turned off the radio the chase stopped. It was quite funny.although i probably totally ruined it.


  66. Geriatric Profanity Disorder (or GPD)


  67. HOMER: (to Mel Brooks) I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me.


  68. MARGE: (to Grandpa, who is hanging a flag) There are only 49 stars on that flag.
    GRANDPA: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before i recognize Ma-zurah (Missouri).



  69. SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.


  70. Classic. Incidently, I have a relative named Missouri Berry (pronounched Ma-zurah).

    MARGE: (to Grandpa, who is hanging a flag) There are only 49 stars on that flag.
    GRANDPA: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before i recognize Ma-zurah (Missouri).


  71. In honor of the recently deceased Mr. Newman. A very cerebral joke that I only recently have started to appreciate.

    [Cut to a farmer tending his corn. The gas release blows away part of the crop.]
    Farmer: Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman’s gonna have my legs broke.


  72. PRINCIPAL SKINNER: [Speaking at the school's fire safety day] Fire can be our servant, whether it’s toasting s’mores or raining down on Charlie.


  73. Marge: So, did you call any of your friends?
    Lisa: Friend? [scoffs] These are my only friends. [holds up a book] Grownup nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
    Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.



  74. On this Sunday’s Simpsons, Lisa enters a crossword competition and before it starts they pay tribute to the words that were removed from the dictionary in the past year:

    SKEDADDLE
    NIXONIAN
    ZOUNDS
    MIMEOGRAPH
    HOOTENANNY


  75. ROYCE LUMKIN: (upon hearing news of his estranged daughter) Oh… man… I better whiskey up these corn flakes…


  76. CHIEF WIGGUM: Hijinx… it’s a funny word, three dotted letters in a row.
    EDDIE: Is it hyphenated?
    WIGGUM: It used to be. Back in the bad old days, you know. Of course every generation hyphenates the way it wants to…


  77. HOMER: What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying…


  78. Babcock (race track manager): Folks, I’ve got some spare tickets if you’d like to stick around for the race.
    Lisa: That’s very sweet but we have a full day of hiking planned.
    Homer: We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.


  79. Hmm… not sure if this new Simpsons intro is supposed to permanently replace the old intro (minus the couch gag, of course) or if it’s just for tonight’s HD premiere. I was worried when I read they’d redone the intro, but I think they did a good job.


  80. NELSON: Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
    BART: Who cares?
    DOLPH: I’ll tell you someone who cares. He’s got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of “crazy ideas” about love and brotherhood…
    JIMBO: His name’s Gunner and he’s datin’ my mom.

    For some reason “Gunner” strikes me as the perfect name for this.


  81. Homer: Oh Mcgroo, once again you’ve confused something for something.


  82. For some reason this struck me as hilarious the other day: the familiy is going to a book fair and the Rev. Lovejoy is selling a cookbook called “Someone’s in the Kitchen with Jesus”. I think mainly I enjoy Shearer’s pronunciation of “Jesus”. Very “z” heavy.


  83. For some reason this struck me as hilarious the other day: the familiy is going to a book fair and the Rev. Lovejoy is selling a cookbook called “Someone’s in the Kitchen with Jesus”.

    Oh I agree. That part always gets me. I just watched that one last night and was chuckling rather hard to myself.


  84. I just watched this week’s episode (Four Great Women and a Manicure (#LABF09 / SI-2009)) and was ticked that Maggie pulled out her pacifier and gave a short speech. Is nothing sacred?


  85. I remembered Maggie once speaking like Kang. Apparently, she has spoken before. Nothing be sacred.


  86. Any Given Sundance
    Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
    Principal Skinner(to Lisa) Seymour Skinner never puts all his eggs in one basket. That’s why they call me “Two Basket Skinner.”


  87. “English side ruined, must use French instructions. Le Grille, what the hell is that!?”


  88. Flaming Moe song like the song from cheers
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvSzKKARw20


  89. Homer: He’s nailing something to our door!
    Lisa: Hmm. I wonder if it’s theses.
    Homer: That’s gross.



  90. In the voice of Hank Hill:  ”Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.”


  91. Whenever I hear “You and Me” by Lifehouse or another horrible song, I think of this quote:

    At the Jazz Hole, Lisa enjoys the performance of an electric violinist.
    Guy: Hmph, sounds like she’s hitting a baby with a cat.
    Lisa: You have to listen to the notes she’s not playing.
    Guy: Pssh, I can do that at home.



  92. “Johnny Fiestas” is a great name for a Mexican restaurant.


  93. A good one for election day…

    HOMER:  I’m not very political.  I usually think people who vote are a bit fruity


  94. JImbo to Bart after bart sells his soul,

    “Way to breathe, no breath”


  95. Marge: Look, I knew private school would be expensive, but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort.
    Headmaster: Sorry. I don’t have anything to offer you unless you’re a member of a minority group.
    Homer: Excellente! Muchos gracias señorata!
    Headmaster: Sorry.
    Homer: Aah-so…


  96. For some reason “Gunner” strikes me as the perfect name for this.

    Good call.  Another good one in that vein:

    Lovejoy bases his sermon on Homer’s alien encounter: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens.  He came in peace, and then died, only to come back to life.  And his name was… E.T., the extraterrestrial.  [sniffs]  I love that little guy.


  97. Homer gets kicked out of Moe’s and is looking for a new bar.  He tries one called the “She-She Lounge”:
     
    Homer: Wait a minute…there’s something bothering me about this place.  [looks around] I know!  This ‘lespian’ bar doesn’t have a fire exit.  Enjoy your death trap, ladies.  [leaves]
    Woman: What was her problem?


  98. Cecil: “Because you’ll be supervising the construction crew.”
    Sideshow Bob: “Oh, great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it’ll be my job to lead the hooting. ‘Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam!
    Capital knockers!’”

    PS Capital Knockers would be a good team name


  99. Capital Knockers would be a good team name

    Yes, Capital Knockers would be a great team name.


  100. REV. LOVEJOY:  *gasp*  Saint Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
    ST. ELEUTHERIUS:  That’s my name, don’t wear it out.


  101. Yet again, life mimics the Simpsons (when Herb invents the baby translator):  The Cry Translator iPhone app


  102. That iPhone app actually came up in our clinical methods class discussion last night… weird.   We were talking about how a lot of parents don’t understand their own kids…


  103. HOMER: Badger, my ass. It’s probably Milhouse…
    It’s a badger, all right. Or possibly a griffin.


  104. At Springfield Elementary School sometime in the future, Principal Skinner walks down the hall and looks into Miss Hoover’s classroom, where children sit in front of a TV screen.

       Troy: [on TV] Now turn to the next problem.  If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you?  You, the redhead in the Chicago school system? [a window opens up on the screen to show the girl]
       Girl: Pepsi?
       Troy: Partial credit!


  105. whomever does the voice of Willie is apparently stuck in iceland and he hates it

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34mHZgP9vkc


  106. DR HIBBERT: His left lung was filled with shamrock shake — McDonald’s didn’t even sell them this year.



  107. clown college

    Oh man, you’re kidding.  They left out the best part: where Marge is talking and all he hears is her singing the circus song.


  108. Marge is talking and all he hears is her singing the circus song.

    Heh, but on the other hand, here you get to hear a different — more German — version of that performance.


  109. Oh man, you’re kidding.  They left out the best part: where Marge is talking and all he hears is her singing the circus song.

    Or, as the commenter puts it:

    you piece of s__!!!
    you left out the part where marge goes doo doo dooo dooo dooo dood oo … LOLOLOLOL XD


  110. A couple that have been rolling around in the old noggin’ (Larry King’s) recently:

    Moe: He’s gone mad with power.  Like that Albert Schweitzer guy.

    Lovejoy: Everyone’s saying “Gabbo” this and “Gabbo” that.  But no one is saying “worship” this and “Jericho” that.


  111. TV announcer: It’s eleven o’clock.  Do you know where your children are?
    Homer: I told you last night, no!


  112. KENT BROCKMAN:  (After accidentally swearing on the air)  Earlier on this broadcast I said a word so vile it should only be uttered by Satan himself while sitting on the toilet.



  113. I laughed a lot watching the simpsons the other day when Abe was trying to commit suicide and the doctor asked what he wanted to ehar and see as he dies Abe requested Glenn Miller and watching hippies get beat up by cops
    so i can;t get this song Pennsylvania 6-5000 out of my head and the image of hippies getting beat up by cops



  114. Abe requested Glenn Miller and watching hippies get beat up by cops

    Yeah, I agree that’s a great combo for him to request.


  115. In response to Kevin’s post, here’s a little clip from Soylent Green


  116. ah thanks mary i didn’t know that reference. excellent


  117. Homer (deliberating as Springfield film festival judge): Hmm…Barney’s movie had heart, but “Football in the Groin” had a football in the groin.


  118. flight of the conchords on the simpsons

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8RSJlyFnZI

    and skip ahead to the 1:00 mark for this one

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXIeLAhq4-g&feature=related


  119. flight of the conchords on the simpsons

    Ugh.  I saw this and I was embarrassed for them.



  120. FLANDERS:  I’ve even kept kosher just to be on the safe side…


  121. Let’s pour one out for Mr. C.:

    Homer: It’ll be great to see the old gang again. Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
    Marge: That wasn’t you, that was “Happy Days”!
    Homer: No, they weren’t all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.


  122. Lisa: We are a town of low-brows, no-brows, and ignorami.  We have eight malls, but no symphony.  Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater.  Thirteen stores that begin with “Le Sex”…

    I love how the thing worse than a low-brow is a no-brow.


  123. Homer and Ned are in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre:

    Homer Simpson: It’s so cool here in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior.
    Ned Flanders: Unknown? He’s the most famous person who ever lived!
    Homer Simpson: Porky Pig?
    Ned Flanders: Porky Pig isn’t a person! He’s a pig, and he’s not even a real pig!
    Homer Simpson: But he is buried here, right?


  124. MOE:  I dabbled in satanism until I was asked to leave.


  125. I’m surprised I haven’t added this quote before now… It’s unfortunate that this scene leads to the “bombardment” bit because that gets old pretty fast.  But Nelson’s comeback here is good:

    PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Children, your gym teacher, Miss Pommelhorst, has a brief announcement.
    MISS POMMELHORSE: This is very emotional for me.  I am taking a leave of absence.  I will return in the fall as Mister Pommelhorst, your new shop teacher.
    SKINNER: We’re telling you children now so you can adjust and not make jokes.
    NELSON: Looks like there’ll be some new wood in shop class.
    SKINNER: Precisely the type of wordplay I seek to discourage!


  126. Marge: It’s called Little Pwagmattasquarmesettport.  It’s known as America’s scrod basket.
    Bart: I thought Springfield was America’s scrod basket.
    Marge: No, Springfield is America’s crud bucket.  At least according to Newsweek.

    Incidentally, scrod basket would be a good team name.


  127. the end is near…for high prices 


  128. Russian Woman: After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.
    Moe: And “penis” is Russian for?


  129. Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of ‘Smartline’.  Are cartoons too violent for children?  Most people would say, “No, of course not, what kind of stupid question is that?”  But one woman says, “Yes.”

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