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This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express and I’m talkin to whoever’s listening out there…

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve been everywhere and I’ve done everything, but I do know it’s a pretty amazing planet we live on here, and a man would have to be some kind of fool to think we’re alone in this universe.

I grew up maybe five miles from I-70.  It was just the highway we took to town, nothing special.  It went as far west as Columbus and east to Zanesville, stretching the breadth of my world.  We pumped our gas at truck stops and watched for out-of-state plates, listened to truckers on CB radios, and made the arm-pulling “honk” signal to passing semi trucks.  Yes, we had maps, and yes, I knew that 70 went much, much further in both directions, but for my purposes as a kid it was the road that took us one way to the Brown Derby and Children’s Palace and the other way to see family.

When I was 20 I drove to Colorado.  By that time I’d traveled a bit in both directions, but on this trip it really set in just how far I-70 could take you. (Driving the entire width of Kansas has a way of making you see distance with new eyes.)  But you get on this one road, and west (young man) is a reachable destination.

Well once again I live close to 70.  Probably within a mile or so, I’d say, if the crow were wont to fly there from my house.  And I thought that I should take advantage of this proximity, so I asked Santa for a CB.  Santa did, indeed, bring me a nice model (thanks, mom and dad), and last week I installed it in the kitchen so I could listen to the banter of the professional truck drivers who pass through my strip of I-70.

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As I’m sure you know, today is National Prime Rib Day. The problem, of course, is that I don’t foresee myself being near any prime rib. This is always a problem, but apparently it’s especially problematic on this day in particular.

But why today? You may as well ask why the sky is blue or why April is National Car Care Month. Or perhaps you should instead ask why September is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Month and whether it may be a touch too optimistic to go ahead and devote an entire month to that one. The point is the same though: there is a day/week/month for everything, and it’s quite unnecessary.

Personally, I’m thinking we can go ahead and blame China for this. Yes, it’s cool that the Chinese zodiac has the Year of the Monkey and stuff, and I assume that’s a year-long celebration of all things monkey, but you’ve gotta think ahead and realize that without question people will find a way to take your cool thing and make it stupid. For example, in the early 1900s, when other teenage boys were scratching out the jagged letters of Metallica, AC/DC, and Def Leppard, one young Austrian boy tinkered with his own logos, drawing swastikas and “SS” as lightning bolts on his jean jacket, and this looked pretty sweet. But then a brat named Adolph Hitler swiped the idea and said, yeah, that’s cool and all, but we can make it better with racism. This is exactly the same thing. So while the Year of the Metal Monkey is, when assessed with ignorance and imagination, amazingly awesome, the International Year of the Potato is significantly less awesome.

But without further rambling, and to keep my mind off of prime rib, medium rare, I give you a list of ridiculous holidays and days/weeks/months of awareness:
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“This is my favorite kind of surprise: mild!”
-Ned Flanders

I’d like to compile a list of memorable guest appearances and cameos from movies, TV, concerts, etc., whether it was a surprise addition that made or broke the entire performance, or just something that you weren’t expecting. I know there are a lot of examples of this kind of thing, and when I come across them I recognize that and appreciate it, but now, after the fact, it generally takes something to jog my memory. So I’d like to start a list here so I don’t have to put extra stress on my brain trying to remember. Plus it’s a good way to share in case some of us didn’t realize someone-or-other was in that one thing, with the guy and the explosions and the goat.

Nothing beats watching a show or a movie and perking up when an actor we love and aren’t expecting steps into frame. But sometimes we completely skip over a movie or whatever, not realizing that someone we like made a guest appearance. So if we happen to be a fan of that particular actor or artist, it might completely change our intentions of whether to watch or listen. And the same could be true for people we dislike. I know there are definitely certain actors I detest enough to boycott great movies, even if they’re only on screen for a minute or two. And then there are also some performances that completely carried bad movies — you’ll even sit through it again just to get to that one scene with that one character and the goat.

So help me out if you would. Post memorable cameos as you think of them.

Yet another ground-breaking story from the pages of the medical journal, “Duh.” I was reading the news the other day and this article I came across struck me as amazing: Two Women Sue `Girls Gone Wild’ Creator

This is about two girls who were invited onto the Girls Gone Wild (GGW) bus, given free drinks — which they didn’t complain about at the time — and did sexual things on tape and didn’t think that the tape would be seen by anyone else. All I am thinking is no matter how bad a person the creator of Girls Gone Wild may or may not be, these girls have no right to sue him because they are stupid. This is a frivolous lawsuit. If you don’t want to be on the Girls Gone Wild DVDs then don’t go on the bus and let someone tape you having lesbian sex. I’ve never done that, therefore I am not on the dvd.

Anyway, this post is for articles of things you find stupid, such as girls going onto a GGW bus and doing lesbian acts without thinking it would get out. And possibly discuss the issue(s) at hand.

And hopefully you all recognize the Norm MacDonald reference.

It’s been a long time coming, but I think it’s time to address our favourite vocalists. We’ve given our preferences on actors and actresses, and broadly discussed movies, TV and music, but we need to go ahead and commit to a list of best singers.

I think part of the reason I haven’t started this thread before is because I know it’s going to be hard to draw the line and commit to an actual list, which is what I would like to see folks at least attempt to do. Of course this thread can turn into a dump for us to just randomly throw vocalists in and say, yeah, this person has a great voice. But try to make yourself commit to a list that says these are my personal favourites.

So for this thread in particular, let’s focus on male voices: who are your favourite male singers? They don’t necessarily have to be the best vocalist — they can be a fav “front man” or performer or whatever — but if you’re called out on it you’d better support your choices. Singers from any genre are game, so let’s hear it. If you’re really nerdy you can make separate lists for different kinds of music…

A thread for best female vocalists will follow eventually, but for now, give your props to the guys you sing along with on your radio.

Seacrest oot.

[EDIT: I'm turning this into a thread for all stories about the various critters you keep around the house, whether canine, human or other. Not just for dog horror stories anymore. Enjoy.]

So you remember that little game they played in So I Married An Axe Murderer where Charlie & his pals try to top each other with more horrifying stories/scenarios? Ooooooorrrrr… (Being electrocuted.) Well top this one:

The pups were outside earlier today, doing their usual “business” and patrolling & whatnot. I usually just let them hang out until they wanna come in or whatever. Well I go to let them in this afternoon and Maeby keeps bending around & biting at her tail. I notice there’s quite a build up of leaves & dirt & stuff, so I come out & take a look. Yeah, it would appear that one of the pine trees out in the yard is leaking a bunch of sap, & what great big, furry dog sat in it? Yes, my girl.

So I go out and attempt to cut it out. I immediately have sap & fur all over my hands, the scissors are sticking together, & it’s just a huge mess. I cut a good deal of it out, but it was clear that her tail and butt were still extremely sticky, even though I had absolutely no way of telling that since my hands were completely covered as well. The good news, at this point, was that her butt now had the refreshing scent of pine. And if you’ve ever witnessed that dog clear a room, you know that the poor girl really does need a car air freshener hanging from her tail, covering that exhaust pipe.

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So I finally bought an Xbox 360 a couple weekends ago. Call it a birthday present… I haven’t messed around too much with the frills of the console — online stuff, networking, etc. — but I’ve been having plenty of fun with it nonetheless.

The only game I bought was Oblivion. This is likely the only game I’ll need for quite some time. It’s literally probably the most enjoyable game I’ve played since Zelda. It’s very easy to get lost in it. A lot of folks are playing this on their PCs, so if you don’t have a 360 but have a beefy enough machine, I’d definitely suggest getting it. Visually it’s amazing, it plays great, and the world and possibilities for variation are just limitless.

So I’ve moved to the living room now…